I had to take a break from the serious, and post this message a friend forwarded to me:

AIDS in Africa. A terrible thing huh? I’m not actually convinced. People are going around talking about this “Global AIDS Week of Action” as if AIDS were some sort of global pandemic. As far as I concerned, 1.5 million dying each year in Africa and 11 million children being orphaned is an issue for sure, but a big deal?

If AIDS were such an important issue that we should be taking a look at it, where’s the blockbuster? I mean, the only important issues in Africa are those chronicled through the lens of a cinematographer and released at gaudy Hollywood events. For instance- the genocide in a Rwanda? A passing distraction for most, but Hotel Rwanda changed all that. Now we all regularly have intelligent conversations about the Hutus and Tutsis.

And how about Somalia? Until Black Hawk Down, it was just a lawless nation where death ran rampant. Now, socialites are all abuzz about the government’s efforts to rebuild itself, much to the interest of world news organizations. However, perhaps the best example of when we known when problems in Africa should concern us, is when Leonardo DiCaprio steps in.  I mean, until Blood Diamond came along, just like everyone else, I was naiively spending my life’s savings on those pretty rocks. Now me and all my friends know better and only by cz.

Clearly, Hollywood keeps us in the loop. So until a touching film comes out about Africa shouldering 63% of the world’s 39.5 million with AIDS, I’m just not convinced. Even if they did come out with a film though, I’m not sure I would want to watch it. Stories about families and kids dying from disease isn’t really a storyline that is well thought through. I like a little intrigue, sexual tension, and action in my films. I guess I’ll just have to wait until Johnny Depp begins shooting Pirates of the Somali Coast.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I think people dying is you know, like sad and everything, but what are we supposed to do about it? Send them money? That makes about 0 sense. I just read an article about Africa’s addiction to aid, and how we are really just hurting them when we send them money.

All those AIDSy people in Africa just need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

What? they don’t have boots? OMG! THAT’S TERRIBLE! Someone should totally make a movie about that!

-kd-

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Before you crucify me, this piece is purely satirical to raise awareness about AIDS.

Learn more about blogging for AIDS & the Global Aids Week

So this morning on CSPAN this crazy radical lady called in and made a ridiculous suggestion: Members of Congress should be paid the federal minimum wage.

What a silly pants. Why she was so adamant about it I don’t know. It’s integral that our leaders make lots of green. Forget Joe the Plumber. What about Joe the Bidden? Ranked as one of the poorest members of Congress, he brings home a measly $165,000 a year.

People like the one who called into CSPAN this morning (for the sake of argument lets call her “Justice”), just don’t seem to understand that money is integral to healthy politics. Take the 2008 election for example. Without having spent over $860,000,000, how could Obama & McCain have convinced us they wanted to spend our money wisely?

Justice’s ideas represents a vague kind of unsubstantiated suspicion that money is as important as qualifications in politics. She couldn’t be further from the truth. Only 25% of Representatives and 33% of Senators are millionaires

The reality is, our American Democracy works best when people with lots of cash and resources promise they will help others maintain and grow their cash and resources, in exchange for cash and resource donations to their campaign. Then, to reward their election success, it is imperative that we provide these leaders with more cash and resources (like great health care and guaranteed pensions after 5 years). This will ensure their loyalty is to the people.

In this way, we can be sure that cash and resources are equitably distributed amongst all Americans. The idea that Congressional leaders would somehow be more in touch with the average American if they made $6.55/hr, is childish and would be counterproductive.

If members of Congress only brought home $13,624 a year and had to juggle housing, fuel, and health care, how would they be able to concentrate on their jobs? How would they be able to live?

Sometimes I just wish Justice and her naive ideals would go away.

-kd-

In the closing days of the campaign I heard a phrase being thrown around with a fervor not seen since Joseph McCarthy was providing his valuable service to the nation. The word? SOCIALISM. Kind of has an evil ring to it. Almost like racism or sexism, only much worse.

Clearly socialism is terrible. Everyone says so. So I decided to take a look at some of the sinister strategies of the demagogues over at the Socialist Party USA headquarter’s:

The Socialist Party is committed to full freedom of speech, assembly, press, and religion, and to a multi-party system. We are dedicated to the abolition of male supremacy and class society, and to the elimination of all forms of oppression, including those based on race, national origin, age, sexual preferences, and disabling conditions.

Very clever. Clearly this is only true in certain situations. Let’s read on:

Bigotry and discrimination help the ruling class divide, exploit, and abuse workers here and in the Third World. The Socialist Party works to eliminate prejudice and discrimination in all its forms.

Okay, well moving on from this silly rhetoric let’s talk about foreign policy. Maybe the socialists are nice to each other, but surely not to their neighbors.

The Socialist Party calls for ending of the war and occupation in Iraq and Afghanistan and bringing all the troops home now!

Whatever, lots of people want to get out of those countries. What do the socialists REALLY think about war?

The U.S. government uses its overwhelming military power to consolidate its strategic hold over the entire world and to defend and advance the interests of U.S. owned corporations as they exploit the working people and natural resources of the entire planet. We stand in total opposition to U.S. imperialism and the current “war on terror” which is just another subterfuge for U.S. imperialism.

People around the world have more in common with each other than with their rulers. We condemn war, preparation for war, and the militaristic culture because they play havoc with people’s lives and divert resources from constructive social projects. Militarism also concentrates even greater power in the hands of the few, the powerful and the violent.

Heh, heh. Ahem. Okay, so maybe they got us on that one. But what about MONEY? Isn’t that what its all about? The government pillaging  Joe the Plumber?

We call for a minimum wage of $15 per hour, indexed to the cost of living.

Those damn guys have an answer for everything. How about this: What if Joe the Plumber happens to be really, really, really rich? Like what if he is a CEO making 400 times what the average line worker makes? What then smarty pants?

We call for a steeply graduated income tax and a steeply graduated estate tax, and a maximum income of no more than ten times the minimum.

Well that just takes the cake. How is 1% of the United States population supposed to maintain 47% of the nation’s wealth under a silly policy like that? Whatever, moving along. How about health care? That’s probably one of the greatest sins of socialism…

We support a national health program with full standard and alternative medical, dental, vision, and mental health coverage for all, publicly funded through progressive taxation and controlled by democratically elected assemblies of health care workers and patients. The National Health Program should extend, and replace, Medicare and Medicaid. We call for a health care system that emphasizes preventative care, respects patient’s privacy, gives special attention to the needs of the physically and mentally disabled, and conducts treatment and research unimpared by sexism, racism, and homophobia.

Unbelievable. These people support gays? Bet they are tree hugers too.

The U.S. must immediately return to participation in international agreements, such as the Kyoto Protocol, limiting carbon emissions, and accept a major role in worldwide efforts to control global warming.

Great idea geniuses. That will cost us. At least we can still lean on developing nations for cash… right?

We demand cancellation of Third World debt. We call for the United States to pay off its debt to the United Nations.

Damn. Well, if we can’t trample on other nations can we at least Drill Baby Drill !?

We call for the development of alternative energy sources includign solar, geothermal, wind, hydropower, and biomass to end dependence on fossil fuels.

Okay I’m done. These folks are ridiculous. Now I understand why socialism is evil, and sinister and stuff. The crazy kooks are all about “justice“, and “equality“, and namby pamby things like “eliminating oppression” and “equal rights“. Oooh they’re so progressive. If they’re so great, why don’t they make a song about themselves?

Okay, now this is just getting out of hand. Before we know it we are going to be swimming in a socialist sea of swine! We must band together comrades, err, I meant friends, and fight off this evil menace!

Let us stand up and make sure that socialist theories are never incorporated into American politics!

NO UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE!!!! (like in every other industrialized nation in the world who all happen to suck. Even if the World Health Organization ranks us 37th in the world in terms of meeting the health needs of our people)

MAINTAIN CORPORATE POWER!!!! (Lehman, Enron & Exon care about the little guy. Corporations are inherently benevolent)

DOWN WITH “WEALTH REDISTRIBUTION!!! (taxes bad. taxes are like murder. cold blooded murder. they’re almost as bad as that one time when they killed that Jesus guy)

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Okay, so here’s the deal. I just made a case for socialism. I painted it as all nice & fluffy & conveniently culled quotes from their web page to make it look good. I even ignored some not-so convenient historic examples. In short- I only presented one side of the argument. Awful of me eh?

I would suggest that the real question at the end of the day is not whether a tremendous smear job has been done against socialist ideas, or whether I put lipstick on a pig called socialist sally. The question is whether Americans can bring themselves to consider ideas that are, *gasp* foreign.

Can we embrace the reality that we are imperfect and we can learn from the rest of the world?

Is socialism perfect? Far from it. Has evil come from it? Surely. Are the answers any different for capitalism?

The truth of the matter is we have already adopted socialist ideologies throughout our lives and just don’t realize it. Who pays to support the local library? Everybody. Who gets to use it? Everybody. Who pays to support the police and fire departments? Everybody. Who gets to use it? Everybody.

So the reality is, we have accepted the notion that sometimes its okay for everyone to pay for something, and then everyone to benefit. The trouble begins, when someone suggests that we take something for profit (say health care) and then suggest that everybody pays for it, and everybody benefits. Middlemen don’t like this very much, so neither should you. After all, Ronald Regan said so.

-kd-

Cutting through all the rhetoric, campaign promises, and political punditry, one fact remains: our nation will require serious reform to favorably reposition ourselves at home and abroad. I encourage our presidential candidates to adopt the following reform principles:

Housing Market

-In order to restore confidence in the mortgage industry, no individual with less than $250,000 annual income shall be allowed to purchase a home.

-Individuals who make more than $250,000 are eligible only if they meet the following requirements: they are aesthetically pleasing, they are related to the lender, and they have been pre-approved by members of the community they are planning to move into.

-To order to strengthen communities, and increase home values, all subsidized housing units serving over 5 people shall be demolished.

Iraq

-Troops shall remain stationed in Iraq indefinitely, unless they request a dishonorable discharge.

-A second surge should be coordinated in early January in order to increase the morale of Iraqi citizens.

Afghanistan

-The CIA shall train and arm rebel forces in Afghanistan, and encourage them to seek out Osama bin Laden.

-In order to increase Afghan stability, all poppy crops shall immediately be burned.

Health Care

-American responsibility will be promoted through the “Health Care Responsibility Act”, which will allow individuals with incomes below $10,000 to save up to ½ of their income tax free, to pay for health care costs.

-In order to stabilize health care costs for all Americans, the following individuals shall not be permitted to purchase, or use existing health insurance: Individuals with terminal illnesses, any individual with a family history of disease such as breast cancer, prostate cancer or diabetes, any individual who has suffered an injury or common illness within the past 90 days.

Gay Rights

-In order to ensure healthy population growth, gay marriage, civil unions, and other gay arrangements shall be forever prohibited.

Abortion

-Any individual requesting abortion must undergo a 6 month “cooling off” period. During this time counseling services will be made available for individuals that will encourage them to rethink their decision

-Following the “cooling off” period, individuals over the age of 18 may apply for a “Permit to Kill a Baby”. Applicants over 6 months pregnant are ineligible for this permit.

North Korea

-The United States shall officially adopt a “cold shoulder” policy to North Korea. If during the course of this policy, North Korea does not formally apologize to the United States for its attempts to develop nuclear capability, further action will be authorized.

-Further actions include, but are not limited to nuclear strikes on nuclear research facilities within North Korea.

Homeland Security

-Federal wiretapping activities will be increased through legislation requiring all cell phone companies to direct traffic through the Office of Total Information Awareness’s switchboard.

-Individuals suspected of engaging in unpatriotic criticism may be indefinitely detained without habeas corpus at San Francisco Bay.

Financial Markets

-Deregulation of the financial sector will be made a priority in order to stimulate the economy.

Affirmative Action

-Due to the leveling of the playing field, and elimination of racial bias and nepotism, all forms of Affirmative Action shall be immediately eliminated.

Death Penalty

-To curb violence and crime in our neighborhoods, local crime watches will be set up in all residential areas. Members interested in serving on crime watch committees will contact their self elected block captains.

-Block captains who believe criminal behavior is being carried out, may refer suspects to the crime watch committee for the death penalty. All executions carried out by the committee shall be irreversible.

Election System

-To streamline the election process, the Democratic and Republican parties shall be merged into the Republicratic party.

-Due to their only being one political party, further elections will be unnecessary.

Penal System

- In order to help turn the lives around of thousands of youth, two years of mandatory prison time shall be imposed on all teenagers at the age of 16, who are currently residing in inner cities, or whom immigrated from southern nations.

-In order to jumpstart the careers of promising youth across the nation, two years of optional employment at prisons will be offered to all teenagers at the age of 16, who are currently residing in suburbs and can trace their ancestry back to approved European nations.

Iran

- On the 2^nd day of the next president’s term, Iran shall be bombed incessantly.

Tax Code

- Serious correction to our discriminatory tax code shall be made to require a 35% tax of all citizens, as opposed to just the wealthy.

-Individuals making over $500,000 a year shall be exempt from taxes, if they agree to help trickle money down through the system.

-Accepted trickle down activities shall include: personal savings accounts, investment in securities and bonds, renovation of homes, purchase of luxury vehicles. A full list of acceptable activities may be found at your local country club.

Social Security

-With Social Security threatening our nation’s fiscal future, the minimum age for retirement shall be incrementally increased over the period of 2 years to the age of 74.

-Individuals over the age of 80 shall be ineligible for further benefits due to the law of diminishing returns.

Medicaid/Medicare

- Due to wasteful spending on medications and medical procedures, individuals must pay out of pocket for all health care expenses. Individuals may file requests for reimbursement from Medicare or Medicaid on an annual basis.

-Reimbursable expenses shall include: (1) doctor visit per year, and the individual’s choice between (1) emergency room visit, or (2) prescriptions. A full list of acceptable expenditures are available by sending a SASE to “Center for Medicare & Medicaid Services, 7500 Security Boulevard Baltimore, MD 21244”.Letters will be responded to on a first-come-first serve-basis.

Welfare

-As welfare represents the slow moral decay of society, all social welfare systems including: unemployment compensation, temporary assistance to needy families, and section 8 shall be immediately eliminated.

-Individuals receiving such services will be given 2 months to transition into a “dependent free lifestyle”, and will be automatically enrolled in complimentary “America & Personal Responsibility” courses.

Immigration

-Second only to Iraq and Iran, Immigration must be immediately addressed by the incoming president. Following the bombing of Iran, rubble from Tehran shall be flown back to the Mexico-US border, for use in the construction of a sturdy wall.

-Immigrants found illegally in the country will be permitted to stay if they agree to engage in our Unpaid Labor Program (ULP). Immigrants who refuse to cooperate with ULP shall be invited to San Francisco Bay for “conversation” prior to deportation.

Employment

- In order to encourage the expansion of business, the minimum wage shall be decreased to $4.00/hour. Employers may petition against the $4.00/hr requirement if it will pose financial hardship to their business.

- Individuals found not to be working for more than 1 week in any 2 month period (with the exception of corporate ceo’s) shall be subject to immediate detention. Serious delinquents will also be transported to San Francisco Bay for “encouragement” activities.

Bureaucracy

-As the cornerstone of American productivity, bureaucraticy will be systematically increased during the next presidency at the rate of no less than 3 agencies per month (to be established by executive order).

- The San Francisco Bay Welcoming Committee (SFBWC) shall be created within the second week of a new administration, as well as the Unpaid Labor Program (ULP). Other programs to be created will include: Federal Aviation Administration Oversight Board And Commission (FAAOBAC), Department of Homeland Security Sister And Support Connector Agency (DHSSASCA), and the Republicratic National Committee Advisory Board On Matters Pertaining to Political Dissent Suppression (RNCABOMPPDS).

-The new president will be required to establish agencies that make sensible use of the following acronyms: ZZTOP, JAYZ, CCR, ABBA, and TEB.

America: it may be bitter going down, but this prescription will make you better. The RNCABOMPPDS promises.

-kd-

Barack Hussein Obama is an Arab. An Islamic Arabian Prince to be precise. Congressional insiders report that Obama’s Islamic leanings have been growing more pronounced in recent weeks; in an effort to mend broken relations with his brother Osama, Obama has agreed to rekindle their pen-pal pact. White House staffers have also confirmed that when not conversing with jihadist over dinner, Senator Obama has been known to yell “Allah Akbar” while running through the halls of the Senate. Equally grim for the American public is that Hussein’s counterpart, McCain, is expected to expire before the election cycle ends. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a surgeon close to the ailing centurion has suggested that McCain could kick the can before the close of Tuesday night’s debate. He quickly added however, that even if McCain doesn’t fossilize soon, credible rumors have indicated that McCain is actually George W. Bush incognito.

With a choice between a mysterious terrorist, and a living-dead moneybags for president, it is understandable that Americans have turned a critical eye to the vice-presidential candidates. Fortunately, both politicians have been frank about their qualifications: Bidden has confessed that as an impoverished Senator, he’s just an average Joe from Scranton. His financial hardship has been confirmed by the MSNBC discovery that Bidden has been pulling 12 hour shifts in the coal mines between campaign stops. Governor Palin’s story is equally compelling: as a sexually appealing maverick, she’s the kind of woman you could go the rink with. Palin’s credibility has been further bolstered by timely reports she provided to the CIA over “funny looking” troop movements in Georgia.

Whomever the American’s choose to put at the helm of the U.S.S.R. United States of Investment Banks, U.S.A. over the next 4 years, it is certain they will be able to stay the course of change. They will face stiff challenges however, from an American financial system infiltrated, and eaten from the inside out, by thousands of poor people emboldened by the Community Reinvestment Act to buy homes. Now that these individuals are being foreclosed upon, the real loser is Main Street. The damage that was done to the stock market when it suffered its greatest point drop two weeks ago, was only matched in its intensity  by the 3^rd greatest point gain in history on Monday. Amidst these calamitous times,  Americans are crying “Never again!”

However all is not doom and gloom for the American people- the Department of Homeland Security announced that as of October 14^th “There is no credible, specific intelligence suggesting an imminent threat to the homeland at this time”, assessing the threat level to be a manageable “yellow” (significant risk of terrorist attack) In other good news, with the election only three weeks out, national gas prices have recently sunk to a comfortable $3.20/gallon.

Watch out Washington- change is in the air.

-kd-