Barack Hussein Obama is an Arab. An Islamic Arabian Prince to be precise. Congressional insiders report that Obama’s Islamic leanings have been growing more pronounced in recent weeks; in an effort to mend broken relations with his brother Osama, Obama has agreed to rekindle their pen-pal pact. White House staffers have also confirmed that when not conversing with jihadist over dinner, Senator Obama has been known to yell “Allah Akbar” while running through the halls of the Senate. Equally grim for the American public is that Hussein’s counterpart, McCain, is expected to expire before the election cycle ends. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a surgeon close to the ailing centurion has suggested that McCain could kick the can before the close of Tuesday night’s debate. He quickly added however, that even if McCain doesn’t fossilize soon, credible rumors have indicated that McCain is actually George W. Bush incognito.
With a choice between a mysterious terrorist, and a living-dead moneybags for president, it is understandable that Americans have turned a critical eye to the vice-presidential candidates. Fortunately, both politicians have been frank about their qualifications: Bidden has confessed that as an impoverished Senator, he’s just an average Joe from Scranton. His financial hardship has been confirmed by the MSNBC discovery that Bidden has been pulling 12 hour shifts in the coal mines between campaign stops. Governor Palin’s story is equally compelling: as a sexually appealing maverick, she’s the kind of woman you could go the rink with. Palin’s credibility has been further bolstered by timely reports she provided to the CIA over “funny looking” troop movements in Georgia.
Whomever the American’s choose to put at the helm of the U.S.S.R. United States of Investment Banks, U.S.A. over the next 4 years, it is certain they will be able to stay the course of change. They will face stiff challenges however, from an American financial system infiltrated, and eaten from the inside out, by thousands of poor people emboldened by the Community Reinvestment Act to buy homes. Now that these individuals are being foreclosed upon, the real loser is Main Street. The damage that was done to the stock market when it suffered its greatest point drop two weeks ago, was only matched in its intensity by the 3rd greatest point gain in history on Monday. Amidst these calamitous times, Americans are crying “Never again!”
However all is not doom and gloom for the American people- the Department of Homeland Security announced that as of October 14th “There is no credible, specific intelligence suggesting an imminent threat to the homeland at this time”, assessing the threat level to be a manageable “yellow” (significant risk of terrorist attack) In other good news, with the election only three weeks out, national gas prices have recently sunk to a comfortable $3.20/gallon.
Watch out Washington- change is in the air.