Prescription for Revitalizing, Promoting, Strengthening, and Securing America

Cutting through all the rhetoric, campaign promises, and political punditry, one fact remains: our nation will require serious reform to favorably reposition ourselves at home and abroad. I encourage our presidential candidates to adopt the following reform principles:

Housing Market

-In order to restore confidence in the mortgage industry, no individual with less than $250,000 annual income shall be allowed to purchase a home.

-Individuals who make more than $250,000 are eligible only if they meet the following requirements: they are aesthetically pleasing, they are related to the lender, and they have been pre-approved by members of the community they are planning to move into.

-To order to strengthen communities, and increase home values, all subsidized housing units serving over 5 people shall be demolished.

Iraq

-Troops shall remain stationed in Iraq indefinitely, unless they request a dishonorable discharge.

-A second surge should be coordinated in early January in order to increase the morale of Iraqi citizens.

Afghanistan

-The CIA shall train and arm rebel forces in Afghanistan, and encourage them to seek out Osama bin Laden.

-In order to increase Afghan stability, all poppy crops shall immediately be burned.

Health Care

American responsibility will be promoted through the “Health Care Responsibility Act”, which will allow individuals with incomes below $10,000 to save up to ½ of their income tax free, to pay for health care costs.

-In order to stabilize health care costs for all Americans, the following individuals shall not be permitted to purchase, or use existing health insurance: Individuals with terminal illnesses, any individual with a family history of disease such as breast cancer, prostate cancer or diabetes, any individual who has suffered an injury or common illness within the past 90 days.

Gay Rights

-In order to ensure healthy population growth, gay marriage, civil unions, and other gay arrangements shall be forever prohibited.

Abortion

-Any individual requesting abortion must undergo a 6 month “cooling off” period. During this time counseling services will be made available for individuals that will encourage them to rethink their decision

-Following the “cooling off” period, individuals over the age of 18 may apply for a “Permit to Kill a Baby”. Applicants over 6 months pregnant are ineligible for this permit.

North Korea

-The United States shall officially adopt a “cold shoulder” policy to North Korea. If during the course of this policy, North Korea does not formally apologize to the United States for its attempts to develop nuclear capability, further action will be authorized.

-Further actions include, but are not limited to nuclear strikes on nuclear research facilities within North Korea.

Homeland Security

-Federal wiretapping activities will be increased through legislation requiring all cell phone companies to direct traffic through the Office of Total Information Awareness’s switchboard.

-Individuals suspected of engaging in unpatriotic criticism may be indefinitely detained without habeas corpus at San Francisco Bay.

Financial Markets

-Deregulation of the financial sector will be made a priority in order to stimulate the economy.

Affirmative Action

-Due to the leveling of the playing field, and elimination of racial bias and nepotism, all forms of Affirmative Action shall be immediately eliminated.

Death Penalty

-To curb violence and crime in our neighborhoods, local crime watches will be set up in all residential areas. Members interested in serving on crime watch committees will contact their self elected block captains.

-Block captains who believe criminal behavior is being carried out, may refer suspects to the crime watch committee for the death penalty. All executions carried out by the committee shall be irreversible.

Election System

-To streamline the election process, the Democratic and Republican parties shall be merged into the Republicratic party.

-Due to their only being one political party, further elections will be unnecessary.

Penal System

In order to help turn the lives around of thousands of youth, two years of mandatory prison time shall be imposed on all teenagers at the age of 16, who are currently residing in inner cities, or whom immigrated from southern nations.

-In order to jumpstart the careers of promising youth across the nation, two years of optional employment at prisons will be offered to all teenagers at the age of 16, who are currently residing in suburbs and can trace their ancestry back to approved European nations.

Iran

– On the 2nd day of the next president’s term, Iran shall be bombed incessantly.

Tax Code

– Serious correction to our discriminatory tax code shall be made to require a 35% tax of all citizens, as opposed to just the wealthy.

-Individuals making over $500,000 a year shall be exempt from taxes, if they agree to help trickle money down through the system.

-Accepted trickle down activities shall include: personal savings accounts, investment in securities and bonds, renovation of homes, purchase of luxury vehicles. A full list of acceptable activities may be found at your local country club.

Social Security

-With Social Security threatening our nation’s fiscal future, the minimum age for retirement shall be incrementally increased over the period of 2 years to the age of 74.

-Individuals over the age of 80 shall be ineligible for further benefits due to the law of diminishing returns.

Medicaid/Medicare

– Due to wasteful spending on medications and medical procedures, individuals must pay out of pocket for all health care expenses. Individuals may file requests for reimbursement from Medicare or Medicaid on an annual basis.

-Reimbursable expenses shall include: (1) doctor visit per year, and the individual’s choice between (1) emergency room visit, or (2) prescriptions. A full list of acceptable expenditures are available by sending a SASE to “Center for Medicare & Medicaid Services, 7500 Security Boulevard Baltimore, MD 21244”.Letters will be responded to on a first-come-first serve-basis.

Welfare

-As welfare represents the slow moral decay of society, all social welfare systems including: unemployment compensation, temporary assistance to needy families, and section 8 shall be immediately eliminated.

-Individuals receiving such services will be given 2 months to transition into a “dependent free lifestyle”, and will be automatically enrolled in complimentary “America & Personal Responsibility” courses.

Immigration

-Second only to Iraq and Iran, Immigration must be immediately addressed by the incoming president. Following the bombing of Iran, rubble from Tehran shall be flown back to the Mexico-US border, for use in the construction of a sturdy wall.

-Immigrants found illegally in the country will be permitted to stay if they agree to engage in our Unpaid Labor Program (ULP). Immigrants who refuse to cooperate with ULP shall be invited to San Francisco Bay for “conversation” prior to deportation.

Employment

– In order to encourage the expansion of business, the minimum wage shall be decreased to $4.00/hour. Employers may petition against the $4.00/hr requirement if it will pose financial hardship to their business.

– Individuals found not to be working for more than 1 week in any 2 month period (with the exception of corporate ceo’s) shall be subject to immediate detention. Serious delinquents will also be transported to San Francisco Bay for “encouragement” activities.

Bureaucracy

As the cornerstone of American productivity, bureaucraticy will be systematically increased during the next presidency at the rate of no less than 3 agencies per month (to be established by executive order).

– The San Francisco Bay Welcoming Committee (SFBWC) shall be created within the second week of a new administration, as well as the Unpaid Labor Program (ULP). Other programs to be created will include: Federal Aviation Administration Oversight Board And Commission (FAAOBAC), Department of Homeland Security Sister And Support Connector Agency (DHSSASCA), and the Republicratic National Committee Advisory Board On Matters Pertaining to Political Dissent Suppression (RNCABOMPPDS).

-The new president will be required to establish agencies that make sensible use of the following acronyms: ZZTOP, JAYZ, CCR, ABBA, and TEB.

America: it may be bitter going down, but this prescription will make you better. The RNCABOMPPDS promises.

-kd-

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3 Responses

  1. If you have a problem the Republicratic National Committee Advisory Board On Matters Pertaining to Political Dissent Suppression would be happy to help you ^_^

  2. […] asked before what the next president ought to focus on, and I’ve made humorous suggestions. But as Obama begins putting together his next administration the time for surveys and satire are […]

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