Naked Neighbors

What if I told you I was going to punch you in the face sometime in the future?

What would you give up to spare this unfortunate collision of knuckles and nose? A dollar? A twenty? Would you invest in a face mask, helmet and Kevlar vest? Would you stay at home and never come out? Would you give a stranger naked pictures of yourself  in exchange for a vague promise of protection? Actually I’m guessing you probably would just tell me to f-off, and/or punch me in the face depending on how hard core you were.

But, what if my name was Osama-Omari-Middle Eastern-Dark-Skinned-Man-with-a-Turban?

And what if Fox, CSPAN and Obama said that I was going to kill you, your family, and any cute floppy-eared puppies in the vicinity of your house? What would you give up then to spare this unfortunate collision of jet-liner with jenny & rover? It’s likely you would go all out, screw a $20, you’d give $2,000. Hell, you’d probably give naked pictures of yourself to all sorts of strangers in return for a vague promise of protection.

Actually, it seems that  you already are! Full body scanners, all the rage of the day, are taking off like co-workers on a Friday. Basically, if a low-income home owner or Mexican hasn’t already caused you to lose your job and you have some money to play with, you should invest in Rapiscan- one of two federally approved manufactures of full body scanners in the USA .

( I would give you their stock symbol, but Google finance says that’s private.  ERRrr? )

So let’s cut the chase and get to the point here. Basically some guy from Nigeria, whose parents forewarned the U.S. Government about his diabolic intentions, got on a plane and tried to blow up his underwear. The United State’s response? Obama made up a list of 14 “naughty countries” including the major island-nation of Cuba, USA-run Iraq, and reigning nuclear heavy weight Algeria; from now on, anyone flying to the USA from these terroristic nations will have to go through additional screening mechanisms.

In addition, with absolutely, positively no pressure from the United States government or corporate interests, several European nations are stepping up their use of full body scanners on passengers planning to fly to the United States from terror hotspots like Italy, Britain, and the notorious Netherlands.

(Some countries though are dragging their feet however, with Germany stating that before they use such scanners they want the ridiculous assurances that: “they increase security, that they are not a health hazard, and that the scans do to not harm the individuals’s rights)

So what’s the problem with these scanners? Well honestly it’s not that big of a deal, but let’s look at a few:

1)  Some guy takes a picture of you. Naked.

While it’s true that if you are uncomfortable with this technology you can request TSA personnel to personally grope you instead, there’s no guarantee this user-friendly alternative will always be an option.

You might say big deal, sucks to fly to the United States from somewhere else, but the fact is, these scanners have been tested in the US since 2003 and are already operational in 40 major US airports including:  Dallas, Baltimore, Denver, Tampa, Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Miami, Phoenix San Francisco and Richmond.

2) There is no way to guarantee a passenger’s privacy. Officials say that personnel reviewing the Passengers Gone Wild! images sit in a remote room, will not see a distinguishable face and cannot save or print the images. Sounds great. Then why do I know what Susan Hallowell looks like naked? And how come this guy’s baby maker is on full display?

I highly doubt that Beyonce or President Obama (or me) are going to go through these scanners and the image won’t turn up somewhere.

3) How about this one: are we going to take naked scans of kids? 10 year old Johnny? 6 year old Susie?  Don’t think so? Wait till we get child bombers. Or what about the Muslim women who don’t even reveal their face in public? Are we going to tell them if they want to come to the US we have to check out their goods first? That’s going to make us a lot of Middle-Eastern friends.

4) Or how about health? Don’t the X-ray and MRI technicians always slap a lead vest on you and hide in the next room when they take scans?  These airport scanners are full body and last at least 15 seconds.  Free cancer with every 1,000 frequent flier miles!

5) Here’s another problem- follow the money. The former head of Homeland Security who has been pushing the government to purchase more of these scanners has just admitted that he has a consulting relationship with a full body scanner manufacturer. I’m willing to bet he’s not the only politician, past or present, that stands to gain from this lucrative business- each of these machines are retailing at over $170k, and the TSA just ordered 150 of them with plans to buy another 300.

Okay, so if you’ve stuck with me this long, now I get to the real issues, the aforementioned issues are really just sensationalistic fluff for those of you who saw the word “naked” on facebook and clicked on over.  The real problems are the deeper currents of growing government intrusion in our lives in the name of “security”.

Throughout history, the rights of people in this nation have been compromised for the “safety of the nation”. It seems to me that this line of reasoning got lots of nice Japanese folks kidnapped and locked up on the west coast during WWII.

It Seems to me that this got us a 1,000 page Patriot Act passed in the middle of the night after 9/11. And it seems now that its setting us on the proverbial and terribly cliché “slippery slope” of absolute governmental control over our selves. Nothing is more fundamental than our bodies. Without a right to the autonomy of our own body all other struggles are futile.

Today a guy sticks a bomb in his underwear and we wind up with naked imagery as a solution. This will be about as effectual as building a picket fence with Mexico to keep out immigrants. Know why? Because tomorrow some misguided soul is going to stick a bomb up their rectum- out of the reach of a body scanner. Then what? Full cavity searches for all passengers, spread your leg’s please mam?  Or some jackoff is going to swallow a chemical compound and then we are all going to have to purge in a personal bucket we can reclaim at the security clearance window, two heaves please sir?

Sure it is easy to sit in my cozy terror-free apartment enjoying a slice of sweet potato pie and criticize those who would sacrifice our liberties in the name of our safety

After all I wasn’t on Flights 11, 175, 77, or 93 in 2001, and I wasn’t on Flight 253 this past Christmas—but it is easier still to change the channel,  to turn off the radio, to close the webpage when I come upon a thorny issue that’s not easily reduced to black and white.  So perched up here on my soapbox, do I have some grand plan for national security? No, (actually I do)  but what I do know is that when we accept rapid national adoption of reactionary policies that infringe upon our liberty in order to negate  undefinable threats, we do ourselves a disservice as human beings and as thoughtful engaged citizens.

People are quick to jump on the bandwagon decrying how our government failed to protect us and let a terrorist slip through their fingers. I disagree. It is no more reasonable for us to believe the government can ensure 100% exclusion of foreigners who would do as harm, than it was for China to believe the Great Wall was going to keep all the Mongols out.

I will however, jump on the bandwagon of people who fault our government for not doing more to proactively reach out to the world in a positive way.  Here’s one idea- establish a Department of Peace– the legislation  has been raised in Congress over 100 times since 1935- including the last 8 consecutive years (yeah Kucinich!) .  

This singular act would do more for our security than 1,000 naked pictures ever could

You know what f- -k, it, I’m being too idealistic. For our children’s future, let’s all just get anal probes and start a war with Yemen.


Further resources:

Petition against body scanners


Warm & cuddly video on body scanners


Service Interruption

I had to take a break from the serious, and post this message a friend forwarded to me:


Dear World:

We, the United States of America , your top quality supplier of the ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for our 2001-2008 interruption in service. The technical fault that led to this eight-year service outage has been located, and the software responsible was replaced November 4. Early tests of the newly installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional on January 20. We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to resuming full service and hope to improve in years to come. We thank you for your patience and understanding.



The AIDS “Problem”

africa-satellite-smallAIDS in Africa. A terrible thing huh? I’m not actually convinced. People are going around talking about this “Global AIDS Week of Action” as if AIDS were some sort of global pandemic. As far as I concerned, 1.5 million dying each year in Africa and 11 million children being orphaned is an issue for sure, but a big deal?

If AIDS were such an important issue that we should be taking a look at it, where’s the blockbuster? I mean, the only important issues in Africa are those chronicled through the lens of a cinematographer and released at gaudy Hollywood events. For instance- the genocide in a Rwanda? A passing distraction for most, but Hotel Rwanda changed all that. Now we all regularly have intelligent conversations about the Hutus and Tutsis.

And how about Somalia? Until Black Hawk Down, it was just a lawless nation where death ran rampant. Now, socialites are all abuzz about the government’s efforts to rebuild itself, much to the interest of world news organizations. However, perhaps the best example of when we known when problems in Africa should concern us, is when Leonardo DiCaprio steps in.  I mean, until Blood Diamond came along, just like everyone else, I was naiively spending my life’s savings on those pretty rocks. Now me and all my friends know better and only by cz.

Clearly, Hollywood keeps us in the loop. So until a touching film comes out about Africa shouldering 63% of the world’s 39.5 million with AIDS, I’m just not convinced. Even if they did come out with a film though, I’m not sure I would want to watch it. Stories about families and kids dying from disease isn’t really a storyline that is well thought through. I like a little intrigue, sexual tension, and action in my films. I guess I’ll just have to wait until Johnny Depp begins shooting Pirates of the Somali Coast.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I think people dying is you know, like sad and everything, but what are we supposed to do about it? Send them money? That makes about 0 sense. I just read an article about Africa’s addiction to aid, and how we are really just hurting them when we send them money.

All those AIDSy people in Africa just need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

What? they don’t have boots? OMG! THAT’S TERRIBLE! Someone should totally make a movie about that!



Before you crucify me, this piece is purely satirical to raise awareness about AIDS.

Learn more about blogging for AIDS & the Global Aids Weekaids-ribbon

Justice Makes a Blunder

campaign-cash-3001So this morning on CSPAN this crazy radical lady called in and made a ridiculous suggestion: Members of Congress should be paid the federal minimum wage.

What a silly pants. Why she was so adamant about it I don’t know. It’s integral that our leaders make lots of green. Forget Joe the Plumber. What about Joe the Bidden? Ranked as one of the poorest members of Congress, he brings home a measly $165,000 a year.

People like the one who called into CSPAN this morning (for the sake of argument lets call her “Justice”), just don’t seem to understand that money is integral to healthy politics. Take the 2008 election for example. Without having spent over $860,000,000, how could Obama & McCain have convinced us they wanted to spend our money wisely?

Justice’s ideas represents a vague kind of unsubstantiated suspicion that money is as important as qualifications in politics. She couldn’t be further from the truth. Only 25% of Representatives and 33% of Senators are millionaires

The reality is, our American Democracy works best when people with lots of cash and resources promise they will help others maintain and grow their cash and resources, in exchange for cash and resource donations to their campaign. Then, to reward their election success, it is imperative that we provide these leaders with more cash and resources (like great health care and guaranteed pensions after 5 years). This will ensure their loyalty is to the people.

In this way, we can be sure that cash and resources are equitably distributed amongst all Americans. The idea that Congressional leaders would somehow be more in touch with the average American if they made $6.55/hr, is childish and would be counterproductive.

If members of Congress only brought home $13,624 a year and had to juggle housing, fuel, and health care, how would they be able to concentrate on their jobs? How would they be able to live?

Sometimes I just wish Justice and her naive ideals would go away.


Socialism’s Sinister Strategies

spa-spaglobelogo2In the closing days of the campaign I heard a phrase being thrown around with a fervor not seen since Joseph McCarthy was providing his valuable service to the nation. The word? SOCIALISM. Kind of has an evil ring to it. Almost like racism or sexism, only much worse.

Clearly socialism is terrible. Everyone says so. So I decided to take a look at some of the sinister strategies of the demagogues over at the Socialist Party USA headquarter’s:

The Socialist Party is committed to full freedom of speech, assembly, press, and religion, and to a multi-party system. We are dedicated to the abolition of male supremacy and class society, and to the elimination of all forms of oppression, including those based on race, national origin, age, sexual preferences, and disabling conditions.

Very clever. Clearly this is only true in certain situations. Let’s read on:

Bigotry and discrimination help the ruling class divide, exploit, and abuse workers here and in the Third World. The Socialist Party works to eliminate prejudice and discrimination in all its forms.

Okay, well moving on from this silly rhetoric let’s talk about foreign policy. Maybe the socialists are nice to each other, but surely not to their neighbors.

The Socialist Party calls for ending of the war and occupation in Iraq and Afghanistan and bringing all the troops home now!

Whatever, lots of people want to get out of those countries. What do the socialists REALLY think about war?

The U.S. government uses its overwhelming military power to consolidate its strategic hold over the entire world and to defend and advance the interests of U.S. owned corporations as they exploit the working people and natural resources of the entire planet. We stand in total opposition to U.S. imperialism and the current “war on terror” which is just another subterfuge for U.S. imperialism.

People around the world have more in common with each other than with their rulers. We condemn war, preparation for war, and the militaristic culture because they play havoc with people’s lives and divert resources from constructive social projects. Militarism also concentrates even greater power in the hands of the few, the powerful and the violent.

Heh, heh. Ahem. Okay, so maybe they got us on that one. But what about MONEY? Isn’t that what its all about? The government pillaging  Joe the Plumber?

We call for a minimum wage of $15 per hour, indexed to the cost of living.

Those damn guys have an answer for everything. How about this: What if Joe the Plumber happens to be really, really, really rich? Like what if he is a CEO making 400 times what the average line worker makes? What then smarty pants?

We call for a steeply graduated income tax and a steeply graduated estate tax, and a maximum income of no more than ten times the minimum.

Well that just takes the cake. How is 1% of the United States population supposed to maintain 47% of the nation’s wealth under a silly policy like that? Whatever, moving along. How about health care? That’s probably one of the greatest sins of socialism…

We support a national health program with full standard and alternative medical, dental, vision, and mental health coverage for all, publicly funded through progressive taxation and controlled by democratically elected assemblies of health care workers and patients. The National Health Program should extend, and replace, Medicare and Medicaid. We call for a health care system that emphasizes preventative care, respects patient’s privacy, gives special attention to the needs of the physically and mentally disabled, and conducts treatment and research unimpared by sexism, racism, and homophobia.

Unbelievable. These people support gays? Bet they are tree hugers too.

The U.S. must immediately return to participation in international agreements, such as the Kyoto Protocol, limiting carbon emissions, and accept a major role in worldwide efforts to control global warming.

Great idea geniuses. That will cost us. At least we can still lean on developing nations for cash… right?

We demand cancellation of Third World debt. We call for the United States to pay off its debt to the United Nations.

Damn. Well, if we can’t trample on other nations can we at least Drill Baby Drill !?

We call for the development of alternative energy sources includign solar, geothermal, wind, hydropower, and biomass to end dependence on fossil fuels.

Okay I’m done. These folks are ridiculous. Now I understand why socialism is evil, and sinister and stuff. The crazy kooks are all about “justice“, and “equality“, and namby pamby things like “eliminating oppression” and “equal rights“. Oooh they’re so progressive. If they’re so great, why don’t they make a song about themselves?

Okay, now this is just getting out of hand. Before we know it we are going to be swimming in a socialist sea of swine! We must band together comrades, err, I meant friends, and fight off this evil menace!

Let us stand up and make sure that socialist theories are never incorporated into American politics!

NO UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE!!!! (like in every other industrialized nation in the world who all happen to suck. Even if the World Health Organization ranks us 37th in the world in terms of meeting the health needs of our people)

MAINTAIN CORPORATE POWER!!!! (Lehman, Enron & Exon care about the little guy. Corporations are inherently benevolent)

DOWN WITH “WEALTH REDISTRIBUTION!!! (taxes bad. taxes are like murder. cold blooded murder. they’re almost as bad as that one time when they killed that Jesus guy)


Okay, so here’s the deal. I just made a case for socialism. I painted it as all nice & fluffy & conveniently culled quotes from their web page to make it look good. I even ignored some not-so convenient historic examples. In short- I only presented one side of the argument. Awful of me eh?

I would suggest that the real question at the end of the day is not whether a tremendous smear job has been done against socialist ideas, or whether I put lipstick on a pig called socialist sally. The question is whether Americans can bring themselves to consider ideas that are, *gasp* foreign.

Can we embrace the reality that we are imperfect and we can learn from the rest of the world?

Is socialism perfect? Far from it. Has evil come from it? Surely. Are the answers any different for capitalism?

The truth of the matter is we have already adopted socialist ideologies throughout our lives and just don’t realize it. Who pays to support the local library? Everybody. Who gets to use it? Everybody. Who pays to support the police and fire departments? Everybody. Who gets to use it? Everybody.

So the reality is, we have accepted the notion that sometimes its okay for everyone to pay for something, and then everyone to benefit. The trouble begins, when someone suggests that we take something for profit (say health care) and then suggest that everybody pays for it, and everybody benefits. Middlemen don’t like this very much, so neither should you. After all, Ronald Regan said so.



Prescription for Revitalizing, Promoting, Strengthening, and Securing America

Cutting through all the rhetoric, campaign promises, and political punditry, one fact remains: our nation will require serious reform to favorably reposition ourselves at home and abroad. I encourage our presidential candidates to adopt the following reform principles:

Housing Market

-In order to restore confidence in the mortgage industry, no individual with less than $250,000 annual income shall be allowed to purchase a home.

-Individuals who make more than $250,000 are eligible only if they meet the following requirements: they are aesthetically pleasing, they are related to the lender, and they have been pre-approved by members of the community they are planning to move into.

-To order to strengthen communities, and increase home values, all subsidized housing units serving over 5 people shall be demolished.


-Troops shall remain stationed in Iraq indefinitely, unless they request a dishonorable discharge.

-A second surge should be coordinated in early January in order to increase the morale of Iraqi citizens.


-The CIA shall train and arm rebel forces in Afghanistan, and encourage them to seek out Osama bin Laden.

-In order to increase Afghan stability, all poppy crops shall immediately be burned.

Health Care

American responsibility will be promoted through the “Health Care Responsibility Act”, which will allow individuals with incomes below $10,000 to save up to ½ of their income tax free, to pay for health care costs.

-In order to stabilize health care costs for all Americans, the following individuals shall not be permitted to purchase, or use existing health insurance: Individuals with terminal illnesses, any individual with a family history of disease such as breast cancer, prostate cancer or diabetes, any individual who has suffered an injury or common illness within the past 90 days.

Gay Rights

-In order to ensure healthy population growth, gay marriage, civil unions, and other gay arrangements shall be forever prohibited.


-Any individual requesting abortion must undergo a 6 month “cooling off” period. During this time counseling services will be made available for individuals that will encourage them to rethink their decision

-Following the “cooling off” period, individuals over the age of 18 may apply for a “Permit to Kill a Baby”. Applicants over 6 months pregnant are ineligible for this permit.

North Korea

-The United States shall officially adopt a “cold shoulder” policy to North Korea. If during the course of this policy, North Korea does not formally apologize to the United States for its attempts to develop nuclear capability, further action will be authorized.

-Further actions include, but are not limited to nuclear strikes on nuclear research facilities within North Korea.

Homeland Security

-Federal wiretapping activities will be increased through legislation requiring all cell phone companies to direct traffic through the Office of Total Information Awareness’s switchboard.

-Individuals suspected of engaging in unpatriotic criticism may be indefinitely detained without habeas corpus at San Francisco Bay.

Financial Markets

-Deregulation of the financial sector will be made a priority in order to stimulate the economy.

Affirmative Action

-Due to the leveling of the playing field, and elimination of racial bias and nepotism, all forms of Affirmative Action shall be immediately eliminated.

Death Penalty

-To curb violence and crime in our neighborhoods, local crime watches will be set up in all residential areas. Members interested in serving on crime watch committees will contact their self elected block captains.

-Block captains who believe criminal behavior is being carried out, may refer suspects to the crime watch committee for the death penalty. All executions carried out by the committee shall be irreversible.

Election System

-To streamline the election process, the Democratic and Republican parties shall be merged into the Republicratic party.

-Due to their only being one political party, further elections will be unnecessary.

Penal System

In order to help turn the lives around of thousands of youth, two years of mandatory prison time shall be imposed on all teenagers at the age of 16, who are currently residing in inner cities, or whom immigrated from southern nations.

-In order to jumpstart the careers of promising youth across the nation, two years of optional employment at prisons will be offered to all teenagers at the age of 16, who are currently residing in suburbs and can trace their ancestry back to approved European nations.


– On the 2nd day of the next president’s term, Iran shall be bombed incessantly.

Tax Code

– Serious correction to our discriminatory tax code shall be made to require a 35% tax of all citizens, as opposed to just the wealthy.

-Individuals making over $500,000 a year shall be exempt from taxes, if they agree to help trickle money down through the system.

-Accepted trickle down activities shall include: personal savings accounts, investment in securities and bonds, renovation of homes, purchase of luxury vehicles. A full list of acceptable activities may be found at your local country club.

Social Security

-With Social Security threatening our nation’s fiscal future, the minimum age for retirement shall be incrementally increased over the period of 2 years to the age of 74.

-Individuals over the age of 80 shall be ineligible for further benefits due to the law of diminishing returns.


– Due to wasteful spending on medications and medical procedures, individuals must pay out of pocket for all health care expenses. Individuals may file requests for reimbursement from Medicare or Medicaid on an annual basis.

-Reimbursable expenses shall include: (1) doctor visit per year, and the individual’s choice between (1) emergency room visit, or (2) prescriptions. A full list of acceptable expenditures are available by sending a SASE to “Center for Medicare & Medicaid Services, 7500 Security Boulevard Baltimore, MD 21244”.Letters will be responded to on a first-come-first serve-basis.


-As welfare represents the slow moral decay of society, all social welfare systems including: unemployment compensation, temporary assistance to needy families, and section 8 shall be immediately eliminated.

-Individuals receiving such services will be given 2 months to transition into a “dependent free lifestyle”, and will be automatically enrolled in complimentary “America & Personal Responsibility” courses.


-Second only to Iraq and Iran, Immigration must be immediately addressed by the incoming president. Following the bombing of Iran, rubble from Tehran shall be flown back to the Mexico-US border, for use in the construction of a sturdy wall.

-Immigrants found illegally in the country will be permitted to stay if they agree to engage in our Unpaid Labor Program (ULP). Immigrants who refuse to cooperate with ULP shall be invited to San Francisco Bay for “conversation” prior to deportation.


– In order to encourage the expansion of business, the minimum wage shall be decreased to $4.00/hour. Employers may petition against the $4.00/hr requirement if it will pose financial hardship to their business.

– Individuals found not to be working for more than 1 week in any 2 month period (with the exception of corporate ceo’s) shall be subject to immediate detention. Serious delinquents will also be transported to San Francisco Bay for “encouragement” activities.


As the cornerstone of American productivity, bureaucraticy will be systematically increased during the next presidency at the rate of no less than 3 agencies per month (to be established by executive order).

– The San Francisco Bay Welcoming Committee (SFBWC) shall be created within the second week of a new administration, as well as the Unpaid Labor Program (ULP). Other programs to be created will include: Federal Aviation Administration Oversight Board And Commission (FAAOBAC), Department of Homeland Security Sister And Support Connector Agency (DHSSASCA), and the Republicratic National Committee Advisory Board On Matters Pertaining to Political Dissent Suppression (RNCABOMPPDS).

-The new president will be required to establish agencies that make sensible use of the following acronyms: ZZTOP, JAYZ, CCR, ABBA, and TEB.

America: it may be bitter going down, but this prescription will make you better. The RNCABOMPPDS promises.


A Tranche of Reason

Barack Hussein Obama is an Arab. An Islamic Arabian Prince to be precise. Congressional insiders report that Obama’s Islamic leanings have been growing more pronounced in recent weeks; in an effort to mend broken relations with his brother Osama, Obama has agreed to rekindle their pen-pal pact. White House staffers have also confirmed that when not conversing with jihadist over dinner, Senator Obama has been known to yell “Allah Akbar” while running through the halls of the Senate. Equally grim for the American public is that Hussein’s counterpart, McCain, is expected to expire before the election cycle ends. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a surgeon close to the ailing centurion has suggested that McCain could kick the can before the close of Tuesday night’s debate. He quickly added however, that even if McCain doesn’t fossilize soon, credible rumors have indicated that McCain is actually George W. Bush incognito.

With a choice between a mysterious terrorist, and a living-dead moneybags for president, it is understandable that Americans have turned a critical eye to the vice-presidential candidates. Fortunately, both politicians have been frank about their qualifications: Bidden has confessed that as an impoverished Senator, he’s just an average Joe from Scranton. His financial hardship has been confirmed by the MSNBC discovery that Bidden has been pulling 12 hour shifts in the coal mines between campaign stops. Governor Palin’s story is equally compelling: as a sexually appealing maverick, she’s the kind of woman you could go the rink with. Palin’s credibility has been further bolstered by timely reports she provided to the CIA over “funny looking” troop movements in Georgia.

Whomever the American’s choose to put at the helm of the U.S.S.R. United States of Investment Banks, U.S.A. over the next 4 years, it is certain they will be able to stay the course of change. They will face stiff challenges however, from an American financial system infiltrated, and eaten from the inside out, by thousands of poor people emboldened by the Community Reinvestment Act to buy homes. Now that these individuals are being foreclosed upon, the real loser is Main Street. The damage that was done to the stock market when it suffered its greatest point drop two weeks ago, was only matched in its intensity  by the 3rd greatest point gain in history on Monday. Amidst these calamitous times,  Americans are crying “Never again!”

However all is not doom and gloom for the American people- the Department of Homeland Security announced that as of October 14th “There is no credible, specific intelligence suggesting an imminent threat to the homeland at this time”, assessing the threat level to be a manageable “yellow” (significant risk of terrorist attack) In other good news, with the election only three weeks out, national gas prices have recently sunk to a comfortable $3.20/gallon.

Watch out Washington- change is in the air.